Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
