At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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