I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize