so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
