Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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