i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
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