I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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