An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
