I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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