I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Someone signed my nipple.
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