Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
