Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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