Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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