pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
