I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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