I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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