PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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