Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
