Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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