I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
