drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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