This girl is more easily done than said...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
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I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
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Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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