I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
