you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just want to make out with him forever
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
