he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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