Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
