I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
