Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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