I understand Curling. That high.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
