If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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