Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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