I've blown a few things in my day
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
