so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
