got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
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Man, jail baloney is awful.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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