I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
