her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
its liver damage thursday
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
