Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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