You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
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I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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