Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
