the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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