Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
