I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
