Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
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Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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