dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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