you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
