Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
