i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
