Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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