I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
