I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
