cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
