He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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