i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
