You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
